Van Dwelling – Episode Three – Feelings of guilt

Sometimes I feel guilty about my life.

It’s a wednesday, I just woke up in my van. I have some work to do, maybe one or two hours. I’m going to fill my day with swimming, and a climb, and just being still. I have nowhere to be until 7 tonight – that’s 12 hours away. 

I feel like this is exactly what I was aiming for, but any celebration is washed away. An overriding wave of guilt floods over me. Why Aren’t I working? 

Surely I need to work more? Try harder? Why am I the one who has this free time, do I deserve it? Are other people. People that I love, sacrificing for me to selfishly sit here and contemplate life? 

I try to reassure myself that I have work, just not right now, I am busy, just not right now. And that I worked, and hustled and paid to get myself here, it’s not borrowed money, gifted items or stolen time. 

I try to bring myself back to sit in the now, and I feel even more selfish. I feel guilty, for feeling guilty. When I’m living my, and many other people’s dreams. I always say “If people did what made them happy, there would be many more happy people in the world” And that is what I’m trying to do, it just doesn’t feel quite as right as it should right now. 

I want to finish off by saying that I’m fine, never mind, “positive quote”, I’m over it. But that isn’t how I’m feeling. 

But I am calm and at peace with how I feel, like a storm that needs waiting out, or a wave that needs riding. I am trying to live by my values, and hoping to live out my dreams. To see how far it gets me. I will listen to all my feelings, but sometimes I’ll let them lie, or greet them like a nagging neighbour “ Good Morning Mr Guilt, why yes I will mow the lawn, have a great day!” – when I don’t care about the lawn, and have no intention of mowing it. I guess my point is, sometimes you can listen, but you don’t have to act.